Attack Wrestling - Press Start 5 - 03/06/2017 - Live Report

The first time I heard bout Attack Wrestling was watching the trailer for Press Start 2. It introduced me to the weird and wonderful world of Attack and I followed the promotion for years. I attended my first Attack show this year in the Kris Travis Tag Team Tournament and yesterday I attended Press Start 5.

This was always going to be an interesting event. It was made even more intriguing since Santos Jr, under the instructing of Chief Deputy Dunne, destroyed the console which runs Press Start. Attack Wrestling was broken and full of glitches, no body knew what to expect. Especially since there were no matches announced.

ATTACK Wrestling - Press Start 5 - 03 June 2017 - Cathays Bingo Hall

1) ATTACK Tag Team Championships: CCK (Lloyd Katt & Splits McPins) beat Bowl-a-Rama (Chris Brookes & Kid Lykos): This was a repeat of the first Attack match I saw live in the Kris Travis Tag Team Invitational. However, with Attack broken, Katt was dressed up as Chris Brookes, Splits was Lykos while Lykos was Splits and Brookes was Katt. The champions retained. Top marks to CCK for staying out at intermission in character.

2) WCWDrew (Drew Parker as Sting) beat ECDrew (Danny Jones as Sabu), ECDrew (Beano as The Sandman) and ECDrew (Brendan White as the Blue Meanie): Drew Parker has been dressing up as the stars of ECW for a while now but his opponents dressed up as former ECW wrestlers and Drew drew inspiration from WCW dressing as "the Icon" Sting.

Announcer Jim Lee (who was dressed as a woman carrying water) spoke about how two guys from Attack stole NXT Takeover. He then announced we were having a rematch between them tonight for the Attack 24/7 Championship.

3) Tyler Bate and Pete Dunne went to a no contest: Bate came out dressed as Dunne, he had the mannerisms nailed and even had a crude drawing of a bear on his knee. Dunne then arrived as Bate, it was strange to see him playing to the crowd. Dunne even had a little moustache but Bate ripped that off and threw it into the crowd. These two went through their usual spots but reversed the roles so for example, Bate used joint manipulation while Dunne hit an aeroplane spin.

Both men hit their opponents finishes then they went into a straight up slugfest. Chief Deputy Dunne then arrived in a wheelchair pushed by Santos Jr (he broke his foot at a previous show). Dunne then introduced the Anti-Fun Police. First Mark Andrews, then Eddie Dennis then Flash Morgan Webster! They took out Pete Dunne and announced they are holding Attack to hostage.

4) Tetris Table Match: Bird and Boar (Mike Bird and Wild Boar) beat Ryan Smile (as Eddie Dennis) and Kyle Fletcher (as Nixon Newell): This was the welcome back from the break. There were two tables on both sides with cardboard Tetris cardboard boxes on each side. Fletcher was fun as Nixon, screaming in a high pitched voice and hitting both the flip Piledriver and the Shinning Wizard. Bird and Boar were also pretending to be each other. Nixon put Boar through the table on one side but Bird went backstage and found another life (a big inflatable heart with plus 1 written on it). This restarted the match and allowed Boar to piledrive Smile off the apron through the second table.

5) Elijah beat Love Making Demon: Elijah has been raging a war on the silliness of Attack which included Love Making Demon. They swapped roles here with Eljiah coming out in the yellow Freddie Mercury jacket and Demon in the black tights and WWE transfer tattoos. The tattoos led to several John Cena style chants.

6) Anti-Fun Police (Mark Andrews, Eddie Dennis and Flash Morgan Webster) beat Travis Banks (as Mark Andrews) and the Brothers of Construction (Jim and Lee Hunter): Banks and the Hunters are usually part of the Anti-Fun Police but were the good guys here. Banks, fresh off his SS16 win in Progress, was dressed as Mandrews complete with skateboard. When the real Mark Andrews was beating down his doppelganger, he told him to "go back to TNA".

The match broke down with Chief Deputy Dunne instructing Santos Jr to destroy the console once and for all, the Brothers of Construction saved it and found the disk to change everything back. Dunne said that if they did this they would be returning as heels with the Anti-Fun Police. Cue the "Moral Dilemma" chant from the crowd. The Hunters said they will do what they always do and fix things. They put in the disk and the lights went on and off. Mandrews, Dennis and Webster returned to their usual selves and danced around. The Brothers of Deconstruction emerged from under the ring but were taken out and Mandrews got the win with the SSP. 

After the match Dunne got superkicked out of his chair and Travis Banks came to wheel his Anti-Fun Police partner to the back. More faces from Attack joined in the in-ring party as normal service has been resumed to Attack.